Just Be

It’s Wednesday & it’s 9:46 pm.
I was suppose to go see Social Distortion tonight, but I’m mentally drained & really just too freaking exhausted. A load of laundry is drying in the other room and the ice maker is spitting out ice into an empty holder.
Ah…the life of a single a lady…also known as being a big girl
I set all these goals for myself this week. Work out, write, focus on me while working & making sure my mom and dad were okay since I was now going to be out of the house.
The goals I set seemed realistic, but life has a way of going “WHOA, not yet!” That’s what it did this week. My mom was put on nerve blocker pills and they sent her into a drug induced state of drunkenness and the inability to walk. My sister and I have been tag teaming with my dad on calling my mom every hour on the hour and my sis has been with her when she can. We’ve reduced the pills to see if it will take her off the edge as we call it. So far so good. I’ll know tomorrow evening for sure. She’s still in pain but at least she’s not crying and begging for it to stop. It’s a tolerable pain and there’s nothing I can do for her. That part breaks my heart & puts a hole in my spirit. So being up & worrying about whether or not my mom was in the floor military crawling herself to the bathroom or not but a big road block on getting up every morning to work out. Take four tomorrow. Maybe I’ll get up, maybe I won’t. I won’t beat myself up if I don’t. I’ll pat myself on the back if I do.
Work is fine. Surprisingly, I’m all caught up. All the ducks seem to be in a row and I as type that, I’m closing my eyes, making a wish, and praying it stays that way. It has been hectic in radio-land. A good hectic but a type of hectic that leaves me exhausted and feeling as if I have lost my mind sometimes.
Writing life…any excuse I make for myself isn’t good enough. I haven’t written and frankly, I don’t have the energy or inspiration too. I’ve had the creative & writing wind knocked out of me and I hope to gain that back. I had hoped to gain that back this week, but alas, life, you crazy muse, didn’t want to be on the same page as I wanted it to be. It’s all good though, I know I’ll come back with a vengeance.
As I drove home from my mom’s tonight, I wished on the stars, the planet, & Miss Luna as I always do for myself to “just be” and for the health of my mom to return. I tried not to worry and I tried not to think about anything negative. I reflected back to Ryan Star’s song “Breathe.” Just breathe I told myself. Just breathe and let the weight of the world rest on someone else’s shoulder tonight.
The world will spin madly on tonight and I’m now going to let the weight of my world rest here in this blog I just typed. I’m leaving it here. I’m letting it go because tonight, I’m going to be a big girl with a glass of wine and no problems for a few hours. I’m going to stare at this unexpected refund from a doctor bill and let the Universe amaze me, inspire me, and bring me to my knees.
Tonight, I’m just going to be. I’m just going to be me.
Listening to “You Can Dance” by The Cinematics