Exist Loudly

Follow the Leader

I’m sitting here listening to Matthew Ryan’s “Follow the Leader.” I just adore this song. It’s simply beautiful.
The lyrics “We‘re in this solar system. Together and alone…Now you can follow your gut, or you follow you can follow the past but if you knew an eclipse was coming, why’d you even ask?”
I’ve been struggling with a lot of of emotions the last few days.
Last night was a teary-eyed mess of missing my mom a lot because I needed advice only a mother can give.
Add that last week, I was also riding an emotional high from two successful promotions at work and also being exhausted from busting my ass for those promotions.
Then toss in the whole being a female and sucking at the fact that I suck at being a girl, and I was in need of some of advice, hug, TLC, whatever…
As I struggled with the fact that my mom wasn’t there to give me her motherly advice, I tried other sources…friends, family, my daily horoscope, looking for signs, etc. None of were which is what I needed.
Today, it hit me, my mom would just tell me “Don’t be a chicken shit.” Which relates back to yesterday’s The Fine Art of Living blog entry…JUST DO IT.
My mom would always tell me that she was so happy with the way I turned out because she and my dad had raised a smart woman who knew what she wanted and that she didn’t have to worry about me. They taught me to be independent and to take care of myself so when I do need help, I rarely ask for it or just don’t know how to. Last night, I could have used a shoulder to cry on but didn’t know how to ask for it or who to ask. At the same time, I didn’t want anyone there. A fault of being overly independent or just afraid to let someone in.
What does that have to do with the price of tea in China? Not a damn thing really, it just leads into the next segment of this blog…
I might be a smart & independent woman but I suck at being a girl. I’m not a girly girl. I don’t like pink and though I like getting dressed up, I don’t look as if I stepped out of the latest “hey look at my boobs and ass are falling out” fashion catalog. I always feel like my butt is hanging out of my dress or I’m going to have a fashion disaster worse than Janet Jackson @ the Super Bowl. I don’t get caught up in a lot of he said-she said drama and I usually say exactly what’s on my mind which makes me seem like a bitch or that I just don’t care. I’m honest, maybe brutally honest, but it’s all I know how to be. A close friend and I were discussing why he always cock blocks me when I tell him I think a guy is cute or that I like a guy and his girlfriend said to him, “You can’t handle the fact that she thinks like a guy instead of your baby sister.” At first, I didn’t know if I should be upset by that or not, but then I realized, it was a compliment. I don’t think like a girl. I think people should be honest, say what’s on their mind, and not get upset. Guys do it all the time. They go have beers afterwards. Girls be honest with one another and it’s an honest to god knock down drag out war. I recently had a disagreement with a friend. We got drunk and we yelled not so nice things at each other. Any other girl would have died. We went out drinking again the next weekend and made a rule that we couldn’t do 8 hours of drinking shots. Again, not a girly girl but all the advice that has been given to me recently is girly advice. Don’t do this, don’t say that, do this instead, and say this.
I listened and took the advice and realized today, I was letting someone else choose my path. I was following the leader and I knew where this path was going to go. I had been down this road before. I recognized all the signs.
“Don’t be a chicken shit!” I can see my mom’s smiling face right now. She had a smile that was genuine, but if she knew you were being a big ol’ scaredy cat, her smile was like the freaking Cheshire cat. Her smile at me right now…Cheshire cat.
So I’m going to stop following the leader.
I’m going to go with my gut.
I’m going to be the only me I know how to be…honest with myself and with others
I’m going to stop doubting myself and I’m going to stop letting others control the probabilities…
The probabilities don’t matter. What matters is what is possible and infinity is a great place to start!

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