Exist Loudly

A Beautiful Mess

I have written squat. Haven’t even thought about writing. Haven’t even had the urge to write. I have pretty much spent the first 14 days of March being a geek. A geek to hockey & a geek to music. I have avoided the one thing I always felt I needed in my life to survive and that was writing.
As I thumbed through the first pages of a magazine, I realized that I may never be a NY Times best selling author. I probably will never win the jackpot in a lottery (don’t judge, you know you dream the same dream), and then I realized why I didn’t want to write right now. Why was I letting the one thing that saved me over the years fall by the way side?
The answer…
I’m broken.
I’ve been broken since my mom died. I don’t care about doing much of anything anymore, unless those things are things that let me not think. What are those things I find solace in? My job, music, and hockey, but those things will not put the pieces back together. And to be honest, I’m not sure if I want the pieces put back together. Nothing can fill the void I feel in my life since my mom has been gone. Nothing can make our family seem as close as it did. The things I cared about before December 17th are not the same things I care about now. The things I wanted before December 17th are not the same things I want now.
My priorities have become fairly simple. Live, laugh, and love. As often as I can and as much as I can.
I might be broken, but I’m picking up the broken pieces and instead of trying to put them back together with superglue and hoping they’ll be just as strong, I’m tossing them into the trash. I just have to make sure that the sharp edges that were left behind don’t cut and hurt others.
Life knocked me off the shelf and sent me crashing to the floor, but as Ray Lamontange sings “just because you knock a man down, doesn’t mean you’ve got them beat.”
And I have lived each day since my mom died on December 17th, living, laughing, and loving as much as I could and I will continue to do so because at this moment in my life, saying goodbye to hear was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I’ve survived it.
I’m beaten up a little by life, and though I feel broken, I know I’m a beautiful mess.

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