Exist Loudly

Not Enough Today

Last night I missed you a lot Mama. I realized that nothing can ever replace what you were, still are, have and will always been to me.

I haven’t been writing like I should but I don’t feel motivated to write a “love story.” I don’t believe in love right now. I know that’s a bit harsh to say, but that’s what I feel. Maybe it’s because I see and hear how much Daddy loves you and how much he always will. It’s not fair that you were taken from him. You were the love of his life. His shining star. I know he’s holding on and being strong and moving on one day at a time, but it’s not fair. He should be holding you in his arms and calling you every night to tell you that he loves you.

I’m afraid I will never have what you and Daddy had and still have across heaven and this earth.

I know I should probably stop comparing any relationship I have or potentially have to what you & Daddy, but it was one that could inspire movies. It was a true life fairy tale. It was two people who loved and trusted each other.

That’s what I want too. I want that passion, that energy, that lust for life, living, & dreaming that you guys shared with each other and with me, Brenda, Bud, Riley, & Taylor.

I expect nothing less than greatness and maybe that’s too much to expect from a man, but I won’t settle for less because I know great men exist because I have seen them with my own eyes and know them.

Right now though, love just seems like glimmer in the night sky. Something that can be seen but not yet touched. I know you always said the right person is out there for me and I still believe you about that, but I don’t know if I could love someone right now. I have a hole where all 4 foot 11 of you stood in my heart and i don’t know if that could ever be filled.

It’s like I’d rather just be alone because if someone else that I love is taken from me like you were taken from me, I don’t know if I could survive again. I don’t think I’d have the strength to carry on again. But I can’t let those walls build up again and I feel them building up. I feel that darkness that I once stood in coming back. I fought hard Mama to tear down those walls once and to escape that darkness and I don’t want go back and I don’t want it to come back, but I don’t know what to do. My tears may drown me, the walls may fall on me, and the darkness may swallow me again and I am clinging on for dear life to the light, hope, and faith that I have inside me, but I fear it is not enough today.

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