Exist Loudly


I’m sitting here watching the Preds vs Blackhawk game and writing you a letter. Obviously right?

Taylor’s walking now and speaking baby babble. You’d be so proud of her. Looking at her today, I was reminded a lot of you. How you would turn your head if you were thinking about something or how you would tilt your head trying to find the right words to say. It’s very sad that she won’t get to see you do that and it’s even sadder that you can’t see her do that. You probably can though from wherever you are in the heavens but it’s just not the same.

I wish you were here. I just want to talk to you and hear your voice. I want to ask you advice and hear your laughter. I want to see your smile in person versus looking at a photograph.

I think we’re all doing okay. We all talk but I also think we keep some of it private. Like these letters. Right now no one knows about them unless they have stumbled on the internet. I haven’t broadcasted to the world that I’m doing this yet. I also don’t let a lot of people know that I usually have a break down at some point after going home to see everyone. So I know if I’m keeping things private then so is Daddy and Brenda.

Riley’s growing like a weed too. I know she misses you a lot. You’d also be proud of her. She’s such a strong little girl. Brenda and Bud have done well with her and will do well with Taylor too.

Usually, I can watch hockey or read stats for teams I could care about, and it just takes me away Mama, but not right now. I’m staring blankly at the screen as tears fall or I find myself here, writing, as the tears fall. I know everyone thinks I’ve been a hockey fan since last year but you know me better than anyone and you know I’ve been a hockey fan for a long while. I did get really obsessed with stats of teams when you passed away. It just helped me not go to the darkness. It kept me from the depression. Normally, I would turn to music for that but every song was a reminder of you or a memory of something you and I did. I had to turn to my second passion and it saved me. I know you were with me when I was going through all that. I know you’re here with me now, but I wish you were really here with me in body instead of spirit.

Categories: Exist Loudly

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