Exist Loudly

The Weather Today

“Just for the record the weather today is pretty damn cloudy with a little burst of pain.” – “Nothing” by Miggs
I’m positive person or at least I try to be that way 99% of the day.
Today, started out positive. I was finally going to get my hair cut & colored by the wonderful & talented Melissa @ Paragon Salon. She did not disappoint. She never does. I left there feeling like a millions bucks and a rockstar!
Around lunch, I get an email from my dad. I didn’t understand his last line “been 6 months but feels like 6 minutes.” Then I read his 2nd email. Today is the 6 month mark of my mom leaving this earth for the heavens. He wrote her a letter to my mom and asked me to post it for him. (You can read it at Letters to Lek). After that, I thought about a friend and co-worker who lost her mother months before I lost mine and how she’s struggling with it. Her spirit is broken and no one can fix it but her. We’re all different in dealing with death. I drank for 2 weeks straight, blacked out nightly, and pretended I was okay. After the two weeks, I stood up from the drunken stooper I put myself in, took a deep breath, and tried to live each day without my mom. Today is easier than it was 6 months ago. Today, I can say I have let go, not of hope, but of the anger, the sadness, and the pain.
While sitting on my patio watching the sun set, I get a text from a friend. A dear old friend. Liz and I have had a friendship of laughter, music, and fun that was brought together by coffee. She battled uterine cancer once and today, she told me it had returned and decided to spread its ugliness in her lungs and on her aorta. Now this mother of 3 and wife prepares to head into battle again fighting for her life and for her family. Her spitfire attitude will carry her far and when she crosses the finish line, she will have kicked cancer in the balls again. She’ll smile & flip it the bird. It’s the way she is. She’s a fighter.
So right now, the 1% of negativity I fight every day feels like 99% negativity and just like the song lyric above, it looks pretty damn cloudy with a big burst of pain.
All i want to do is crawl underneath the blankets, curl up in the fetal position, and tell the world to go away. What I will do, is post this entry, dry my tears, take a deep breathe, and continue to live, be positive, and send universal healing vibes out into the world. Every positive thought is 1000 times more powerful than 1 negative thought and to fight the battles that life throws at you, you have to be positive that in the end, you will have fought the hardest and will win.

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