Exist Loudly

Celebrating Lek


Where ever you may be please take a moment and let Daddy and Brenda know you are near them. They need you more than ever.  I miss you so much and I love you big as the sky.  I know you are where you belong and I know you’re in my heart.  I love you.
In a few short hours it will have been one whole year since my mom passed away…even thought it still feels like yesterday that I saw her smiling face.
Time is suppose to erase wounds or heal them but I will never forget the sound of my dad crying and hearing him say “She’s gone Shelia. What do I do now? She’s gone.”
I thought after a year, things would be different, but I still can’t believe she’s gone. I still miss her saying “good night baby,” to me and I know I always will.
Every day, I worry more about my dad and my sister and how her death has changed their lives. She was our glue that held us together and I sometimes worry that I’m not strong enough to hold us together.  Today, we were suppose to celebrate her life together as a family but life doesn’t work out the way we planned so we’re all doing something separate and will celebrate when my dad returns home from work.
I haven’t completely decided what I want to do to celebrate, but I know that at 12:55 pm, I’ll stop whatever I’m doing and tell my mom how much I miss her and love her.
A part of me wants to sit in my chair and stare blankly out the window and cry until there is nothing left in me, but to be honest,  I’m tired of crying.  I’ve let go of the anger and the hate.  I’ve let go that she’s never coming back.
When I see my youngest niece, Taylor, I see a lot of my mom in her.  The way she cocks her head to the side when she doesn’t understand something or when she’s thinking about something.  The way she balls her fists when she’s excited about something.  Those moments of Lek as I call them, make my heart smile.