In my previous post No Pen Required, An Honest Conversation (Mostly with Myself), I spoke of my desire to be vulnerable, open, and honest with my thoughts, feelings, emotions, actions, etc, etc, etc.
So here I am, being vulnerable.
I don’t easily trust people. In fact, the only thing I do trust about people is that I will be let down or broken by them. Not necessarily the greatest way to think/feel when it comes to trust, but I’ve been stung too many times to whole heartedly believe that someone will not fail me, hurt me, etc. Sadly, I don’t know how to fix my issue with trust AND even though I may not know how to fix my issues, I still do give my trust to people and I am usually fucked when I do. There are a handful of people that haven’t fucked me over and sadly my brain is always in a just-you-wait-and-see-mode. I can’t shut it up, but I do ignore it. There is a quote I read that said: “Speak to me in energy. Energy doesn’t lie.” I will trust a person’s energy before I ever trust their actions and I trust a person’s actions before I ever trust their words. The people I trust who haven’t fucked me over, their energy doesn’t lie. (And as I typed those words, my brain screamed “YET!”) My brain, she’s a bitch!
I have a jealous side. Call it being 2000% Scorpio, being a female, whatever. I suppress the hell out of this ugly beast. She is a cunt. Capital C-U-N-T! She wreaks havoc on my heart and when she partners up with my brain, this dynamic in-fucking-sane duo might as well be Lucifer escaping the Gates of Hell with his minions. NOTHING GOOD comes from her nor her partnering up with my brain. NOTHING. Every now and again, she’ll stick her dragon claws into me and try to escape but I’m conscious enough now that I’m older to know what she’s doing and just tighten the chains around her demon spawn self.
I trample down an insecure side. It can take the smallest of things and blow it/them out proportion and it can take the big things and make them Universe shattering. When the menage-a-trios of it, jealousy, and brain get together it’s an all out tear fest for my heart and soul. I know we all have insecurities and even legit insecurities and I say legit because I feel that my brain decides at whim what it wants to be insecure about and it’s not even logical about it. It’s my brain, it’s suppose to be logical! Not with insecurities. There is no rhyme or reason nor sense or sensibility. When it comes to insecurities, I say that my brain is 99% irrational and the 1% that’s rational just can’t win the fight so it just doesn’t show up to the match. Game over. Insecurities win.
Along with insecurities, I have anxieties. Maybe these two should be listed together for me, as I feel they both come from the same part of my brain. I call that part of my brain Fuckland and I don’t mean the good kind of fucking. I mean the kind where it likes to throw a hand grenade into still waters to just fuck shit up. It likes to see the waves thrash about and see what is left standing when the water stills again. I keep my anxieties in check. I have to because if I don’t, they triple the insecurities or maybe it’s vice versa. To be honest, I don’t know for sure. I know when I’m being super OCD and have learned to let things go when it’s related to my OCD. When I sense the oncoming storm of depression, I fight tooth and nail against it or batten down the hatches in preparation for what’s coming. I should probably list depression all by itself, but I’m not nearly the hot mess of fucked up thoughts I was when I was in my 20’s and am older and wiser and see the signs way before that oncoming storm hits full force.
I am fiercely independent. I know this is not a negative trait, but it goes in the negative side only because I am a “I’ll just do it myself, I don’t need help” kind of girl. My great friend, Timmy, once said to me, “You’re single because you don’t need a man or anyone in your life. That scares people. Being independent scares people because they like to be depended on.” That’s always stuck in my head. I was never given anything in life. I’ve worked hard since I was 15 years old at jobs and dedicated myself to my jobs, but everything I wanted, I paid for with the money I earned. I moved up the career ranks because of dedication and passion to my job. I never looked for a hand out, never asked, and always felt awkward accepting help. I know what Timmy said to many years ago is true and people like to be depended on. As independent as I am, I like to be depended on. I like people to know that I’ll always come through. That has made some work situations tough. I remember putting in my hours and time only to have it used against me which led to a burn out. I’m older now. I’ll ask for help. I’m not Super Woman. I can’t do it all and I can’t control it all. The independent gal in me hates knowing that.
On the upside of my fucked up self, I feel like I have a lot more positive going for me. THANK GOD, BUDDAH, ALLAH, the TREES, UNIVERSE, whatever you want to praise here.
I am loyal and I am loyal almost to a fault. Like my when I give my trust, sometimes my loyalty bites me in the ass. More often than not though, my loyalty has given me some of the most amazing relationships, friendships, sisterhoods, brotherhoods, etc on the planet. It has given me opportunities in my career and it has also kicked my ass in my career (not in a good way). Once you’re on my good side so to speak, I’m there for you through thick and thin and there have been a few where I’ve had fall outs, but the good has outweighed the bad and my loyalty remained after the bloodshed.
I am a helper. I’ll offer my sincere assistance. It’s your choice to use it or not. I’ve learned not to be abused by this. I’ll offer my help once, sometimes twice, but if you refuse, I won’t offer it again. If you ask after you refused, the circumstances better be really damn convincing for me to come to your aid. I’m a nice person, but I am not and refuse to be a sucker or abused.
I have tenacity and perseverance. I am like that damn little yappy dog that thinks it can take on the biggest, baddest dog in the neighborhood. I’m might get knocked down trying, chasing, hustling, moving towards whatever goal, dream, etc I have in mind, but I’m going to go at it with every fiber in my being. Succeed or fail, I will chase, hustle, move towards, whatever I need to do to make things happen.
If you battle your own mind eating demons, I will be there for you. Having battled/still battle my own mental demons, I don’t take being there for someone in their own fight lightly. Depression is a lying cunt. No one should be alone if they’re mind is being a douche nozzle. I will hold your hand, sit beside you on the couch, be in the room as you sit in a silent fear, take the razor blade from your hands, hug you until the tears or fear subside, whatever you need. You are not alone. Reach out. Let’s talk.
I care and love whole heartedly. Yes, like loyalty, this too occasionally bites me in the ass too. I can’t do half ass here. If you’re in my life, I care and love you and that’s family, chosen families, significant other, pets, (all relationships). To be honest, I’m not sure how to half ass that I care/love anyone. I was never shown how to be half-assed at it. I give all to my relationships. I’ve lost people I cared about because they abused that side of me. I care/love too much. I’m not going to apologize for it. I never will. There’s too much hate out there. If I say text/call/message/carrier pigeon what the fuck ever when you get home, I mean it. I want to know you’re home safe and not passed out on your porch steps with your garden gnome (has happened to friends more than once). I care if you’re having a shit day, a good day, if you ripped a hole in your favorite jeans, or if your favorite sports team just lost the game of their life. I know when most people say, “hey, how are you,” it’s a habit and that they don’t really want to know how the other person is (if you’re one of those people, you should stop your sentence at the greeting then), but know this, if I ask how you are, are you okay, by fucking golly, I want to know. If I didn’t want to know, I would not have asked. I would have just said, hello. If I ask, how was your day? how are you? tell me about what’s bothering you? Any form of question where you have permission from me to vent, rant, rave, etc is fully meant for you to vent, rant, rave, etc. I am listening and to be honest, if I didn’t care/love, I wouldn’t listen and I wouldn’t care how you were doing.
I have a big heart which does make me loyal, care and love hard, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. As many times as my heart has been broken by family, friends, significant others, strangers, etc, I don’t know how to not wear my heart on my sleeve. I will give my broken pieces to others so they may fix their own heart. Yes, more often than not, it does leave me feeling empty, broken, and drained but if I can look at someone I gave a piece of my heart to and know that they’re truly happy then for me, that piece was not wasted. As much as I may have needed that piece, the person who took it may have just needed it a bit more.
My soul which for me include my instincts, my guts. I trust. I live by my soul. It has never led me wrong and for every 2nd guess I have made of it, it has stood patiently on the sidelines to tell me, “I told you so.” I’m not saying I’m a psychic, but energy doesn’t lie and if you’re tuned to your soul, it will tell you immediately everything you need to know about a situation, person, place, etc. It has never failed me even when I have failed it. When my brain is being overprotective of my heart, my soul works extra hard to keep my brain straight. It guides my heart wisely even if my brain thinks otherwise.
So I again I find myself saying, these are my truths, what are yours?