Living Loudly

The Heart of the Matter

It’s been a hot minute since I’ve truly written here. I should clarify hot minute into hot months…but more like cold months since it’s winter here in Australia. For at least 2 more weeks anyway. It’s not that I haven’t had anything to say, but it’s because I’ve been the happiest I’ve ever been here in Australia.

I had a pretty damn good façade going for a while. I hid behind smiles and fake cheer, trudging through each day and life like everything was hunky damn dory.

Inside, I was a mess.

I was lost from around August 2016 to December 2017.
Lost in a moment.
Lost in a dream.
Lost in a reality that didn’t exist.
The oncoming storm (depression) rode in and out on wave after wave. Never disappearing but always lingering on the edge. I made a change at the end of December, let things go, and the depression seemed to stave.

Seemed.

The other source of my anxiety and depression was still there. Lying in the under current, building its strength.

It’s funny how one source of anxiety and depression can mask a bigger source of anxiety and depression. It makes you think, it’s just this but no, it’s more than just this.

The anxiety and depression this time wasn’t just mental battles. It physically manifested itself in daily migraines and headaches, stomach issues, hand tremors, my nerves were a wreck, there was a continuous state of dread in the pit of my stomach, and I was constantly feeling aches, pains, and under the weather.

Work should not do that to a person. I had to make a change.

While anxiety and depression were a great source in me being creative the first half of the year, it’s not a source I want to constantly be in. I like being creative. I do not like anxiety and depression.

I started a new job and it has been a source of great happiness. What ailed me before disappeared within two weeks. Though I can still see anxiety and depression on the far horizon, they essentially drifted out to sea.

I haven’t written here or been very creative in my personal works because I’m happy and I get to be creative in my daily work.

I can do things that make me and my soul happy now. It’s not to say I couldn’t do them before, but when you’re fighting anxiety, depression, and everything above, you need your energy just to wake up and shower. When you’re not fighting all that, getting up is a whole lot easier.

But I’ve made a promise to myself to be more creative and to churn out two to four new pieces of writing a month. It might not happen in August, but it will in September.

The heart of the matter is that though I love writing, I love being out and enjoying my life a little bit more than writing right now.

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