Exist Loudly

Dropping the Mask

It’s Sunday, 5:19pm as I start to write this.

“Zhill Down” by Neotic is playing and there is some celebratory clapping going on outside my windows.

I did a whole lot to nothing today.

And cried during Yin Yoga.

Not from physical pain but I suppose just permission to release.

Maybe I haven’t been handling this whole self isolating, work from home as well as I thought I had been and today while in Yin, all of that stress surfaced, kicked the front door in (or out) and ran for freedom. If I look back over the last 3 weeks with honesty, I can see where my stress showed its ugly head.

One – my diet – I was on a great trajectory and slaying the calories and macros until 18-March (my first day of work from home). It went all down hill from there. Calories, mostly check. Macros, what protein? Carbs, ate’em. And from that, carb brain hit (aka why am I feeling fat and bloated, and why am I a miserable sloth). I thought, it would be easier to follow my calories and macros to the tee at home, what I hadn’t accounted for was the overwhelming doom and gloom of the news and the sheer boredom of being in a studio apartment 24/7. Regardless of my work structure and daily meetings, my diet was laughed at and my stomach ignored my mind.

Two – my hives came back – I had a sudden outbreak of hives for the first time in Sept 2018. While not stressed induced, my body literally flipped a switch and was attacking itself for no reason. A round of steroids and antihistamines out the yin-yang was able to flip the switch off within two months and I was back to normal. First time I noticed my hives this time? Yep, you guessed it, the week of 18-March. Coming in waves and going away. Ironically, on days where I was able to leave my apartment and interact with a human (training in the park with my trainer), they were almost non existent. Days they were the worst, days when my only interaction was me, myself, and I.

So I start week 4 of self isolation and working from home with a new sense of focus. Thanks to Jess and her amazing and much needed Yin class, I realised I wasn’t dealing with this shit as well as I my facade told. And it’s okay. Because tomorrow’s a new week and I know what I need to do to really be okay with all this shit.

I’ll get up, train, meditate, work, yoga, mediate, eat and sleep and know it’s all going to be okay soon.

Photo by mason cook from Pexels