Exist Loudly

Furrowed Brows

The other night while falling asleep, I felt my brow furrow tight.
I dismissed it as nothing more than something that came along with that time of the month.

Then in yin yoga a few nights later, the teacher came over and told me I was furrowing my brow and that she could see it from across the damn near dark studio. That got me to thinking. I was thoroughly enjoying the pose I was in (sphinx pose) and was beyond excited to be in class. So I didn’t understand the furrow brow. I had been looking forward to the class all day. I look forward to EVERY yoga session as for an hour, it’s me on a mat with an empty head.

The furrow stuck around.
And I noticed it.
I felt it.

Tense between my eyebrows.
A tightness growing.
The tightness occasionally turning into a small pain between the brows.

I am fucking goddamn angry.
I feel this hostility inside me.
I exploded at a group of backpackers smoking a joint outside my window for being too loud, too rude, and just assholes. (It was 8:30pm on a Friday).
After exploding at them, I sat down on my couch, shaking in anger.
What I said to them was tame to what I was feeling and what I wanted to unleash.
I sat, shaking in anger, heart racing for almost 30 minutes.
They weren’t doing anything wrong. It was me that was too rude and me that was the asshole.

This is not who I am.
I am a go with the flow, laid back, calm, somewhat cool, and usually collected person.
I do not feel that way right now.
I am not okay and I am not okay with what I feel raging inside me.
Is it unprocessed emotions from this shitshow called 2020?
Is it the facade I create for myself everyday finally breaking and saying it can’t be strong anymore?
Is it the oncoming storm of depression and anxiety manifesting itself in a different way other than funk and sadness?

I couldn’t pinpoint one thing and maybe it’s not one thing but a ton of fucking stupid shit that just culminates to what is 2020. I hoped by writing and expressing what I was feeling, I could feel a since of normal feelings creep back in or at least a small release of hostility slip away.

All I feel is a tightness between brows.
And an ache in my chest.

Maybe this is just a new manifestation of how the oncoming storm is now. No longer a dark cloud on the edge of my peripheral but a seething undercurrent within. If so, I prefer the dark cloud of funk, sadness, and tears to the hostility, anger and furrowed brows.

I’m sitting with my new demons, we’ll talk politely over coffee and try to come to a reasonable agreement of how it will go away. My brows will hopefully not be furrowed anymore, my sense of calm and peace within will come back and this will be nothing more than a blip on the radar.

Photo by sebastiaan stam from Pexels