Exist Loudly

Say Hello

November 23, 2018 marked a new beginning for me.
That was the first day I committed to being a better version of myself.
A healthier version of myself.
It was my first step in true self care: physically, mentally & spiritually.
I committed to 12 weeks at first but I knew deep in my soul, I wanted a lifetime commitment.

In 2010, I was at my heaviest. Around 160 lbs / 73 kilos. Then I kind of got off my ass and got down to 120 lbs / 54 kilos but I didn’t do it right. Or I should say, I wasn’t doing anything that I could sustain. I had just cut my calories to what I needed to survive give or take 200 calories. And by November 2018, I was almost back to 150 lbs or 68 kilos.

As 2018 Shelia stared into the mirror, 2010 Shelia stared back, I didn’t hate her. I understood how she came to be. A year of not taking care of myself, not dealing with grief of losing my mama, and hiding behind work, booze and going out every night of the week added the pounds / kilos on. No surprise there. She helped 2018 Shelia see that not taking of yourself, not properly healing from the former mental and emotional abuse from three previous employers and drinking until you pass out every weekend was not reflective of where she truly was in life. 2018 Shelia was finally in a good place and surrounded by an insanely positive work environment for the first time in 4 or 5 years. But she hadn’t learned how to let go of the past hurt and that’s where the heavy drinking came in. It was just a way like before, hide from dealing with it.

Tired of spending my weekends hungover, waking up in my own vomit on more than one or two occasions, I hauled my whiskey soaked fat ass up the stairs of Flow Athletic and never looked back.

In late November last year, I finally said goodbye to 2010 Shelia. She had served her purpose and when I looked in the mirror at myself I didn’t see the sad hot mess express anymore. I only saw her replacement, 2018 Shelia a different kind of hot mess express.

While I am proud of all my past versions and the lessons they have brought to the table, I no longer care to sit at that table.

I can finally say the parts of me that needed healing have healed. I can say that I have let go of my self destructive habits and replaced them with healthy habits.

I have lifted, yoga-d, and meditated the shit of life for almost two years and I am better for it.

I finally see me.
I see the physically, mentally, and spiritually happy as fucking hell me.
I see almost two years of hard work and commitment to myself, for myself. 

This week, I finally can say goodbye to 2018 Shelia.
This week, I say hello to 2020 Shelia.

2010, 2018, 2019, 2020