If I said I loved you and would move mountains for you, would it even make your heart quiver? Would it shake for a mere moment knowing that someone loved you so much they would do anything for you?
I didn’t think it would.
It’s not that I don’t love you.
I love you with all my heart and my soul.
I love you to the ends of the Universe and back.
If I could capture time and space and bottle it for you, I would.
None of it really matters though.
Not when you find out that you’re going to die.
It’s not everyday you get told that you’re going to die.
When you hear that news, one might feel sad. One might even feel angry or even depressed.
Everyone thought I should have felt those feelings.
I over heard my own mother say, “The poor thing is just distraught. I don’t know how to help.”
I was not distraught.
My actual feeling was liberation.
I felt like I had won the Civil War or at least a war that was treacherous and nasty. I failed history, so you can just pick a war you wanted the good guys to win.
I can even say I was pleased by the news.
It’s not a death sentence.
It’s an emotional sigh of relief.
Here’s a secret: I went to the hospital with an endless list of things that I was going to tell the doctor was wrong with me.
He took one look at me and knew immediately something was really wrong with me. He rushed me straight through the system and into testing.
That could have also been because I gave myself a bloody nose in the parking lot to look like something was wrong with me.
Well, part of me, bloodied my nose.
I say part because I’m not sure which voice it was or which personality it was.
I have schizophrenia and a split personality disorder.
There’s madness in my head.
Madness, I tell you.
I was hoping for just enough meds to end my life or to at least end the one that’s trying to kill me, but I was given a better sentence.
All my lives get to go out together in one big fucking bang.
The killer within doesn’t know yet.
Maybe she won’t find out.
To best honest, I’m not really sure how long I can keep it a secret from her.
Boy, am I happy to be dying though.
For once and for all, there will be quiet within.
It will be like floating through space.
Just me and the stars.