Exist Loudly

Life, it Happens

Life happens. Regardless if you actively participate in it or not.

Your life, my life, it happens.

After January’s writing challenge, I was exhausted from writing and being creative. I set my own writing and creating aside and helped Syd Rayne, set up the foundation for their art empire.

It’s was fun learning crypto and NFTs and the difference between gauche paint and acrylic paint. In helping them, they have opened my eyes and mind to new worlds and inspiration. They even inspired me to pick up the pencil and paintbrush again, tools that I put down many many moons ago.

February passed while I was laying the foundation for Syd.

March rolled in and my focus was my physical and spiritual self.

I joined my gym’s 30 Days Clean :: 30 days of no to minimal amounts of caffeine, processed foods, and alcohol and yes to 3 days of working out :: 1 yoga, 1 cardio, 1 strength.

No alcohol was easy. As of today, I’m 71 days alcohol free. It’s something I started in January after a friend’s engagement party. While I did not party like a rockstar, I indulged and felt off though not hungover the next day. It’s a choice I think will stick with me.

Minimal processed food, easy as. I don’t really rely on processed foods to satiate myself or fuel myself so I added no to minimal refined carbs as well and it’s been a game changer for me. The belly bloat slowly went away. It has probably been my biggest lesson. My body simply does not like refined carbs and while being half Asian, I love rice, it’s now a treat to myself versus a staple in my daily food intake.

Striking out caffeine was easy. I had decided in late December to reduce my coffee consumption to 1 or less a day and to drink more tea so replacing my green tea and earl grey tea with a herbal tea was fine. (Though Saturday I had my first coffee after 27 days of no coffee and I thought I was going to vomit. I was queasy as hell. The coffee thing will be sticking long after 30 Days Clean is over.)

Workout wise, I already did 2 out of the 3 so I just had to add cardio in. Cardio is not something I like to do. I would rather exhaust myself lifting weights than exhausting my lung capacity, but I’ve got one week left and I’ll say while I hate cardio, I realised I need it. So moving forward, Tuesdays are my double cardio sessions (1 AM, 1 PM) via the gym’s Summit class on my arch nemesis, the air bike.

I also joined the gym’s Spiritually Fit experience, a 6 month deep dive into spirituality. I consider myself a spiritual person but I wanted to explore more. For the first month, we were given a daily sadhana and meditation. The sadhana is something I’m terrible at following through daily. Meditation. Give it to me. I’ve learned I prefer longer meditations than the shorter 15 mins or less ones. I love sitting with my mind and reciting a mantra or just focusing on my breathe. The sense of stillness and calm is liberating. There was also two questions asked of us: “what is your deepest wound / trauma” and “what do you do or use to control yourself or to hide your trauma”.

I don’t know what my deepest wound or trauma is. I’ve thought, reflected, and searched. I was loved as kid. I had a great upbringing. Is my deepest wound the insecurity I have? Is it my lack of confidence in myself? Are those wounds or are those feelings? If they’re wounds what caused them? While I didn’t have an answer, and still don’t a month in, for the wound question, the control question was easy for me to answer. I like to be in control because without it, I fear I’ll fall into a depression or dark place that I can’t get out of. I’ve been on the edge of darkness. I will not go back. Me trying to control the way the sadhanas are set up and rearranging them for myself was what made me realise that. I know I use my training sessions with my PT and the sessions at the gym as medicine for my mental health. It is my therapy. It’s therapy I can control. Some weeks I train more. Some weeks I just do my 2 PT sessions and 3 yoga session. Maybe my wound or trauma is that I don’t have one. Maybe my wound or trauma is mental health? Maybe it’s something else. Being spiritually fit is hard ya’ll.

But March’s physical and spiritual connection helped me find passion again. I rebooted Pretty Vacant One. If you read my blogs regularly, I can hear your eyes roll, yes, I rebooted it again. It’s my passion project. It’s what I like doing. Listening to music and writing. Will it have new posts every week? I don’t know. Will it disappear again after a month? Again, I don’t know. All I know is that I want it to be honest reviews but also kind reviews. No this is a shit record, song, etc. If I hear or watch something that is crap, I just won’t write about it. There’s enough negativity in the world, I don’t need to add to it. An album came out by an artist I really dig and you know what, I dislike it a lot but I don’t need air that out to the public. All I need to do is not listen to it and move along. Again, as the motto of Pretty Vacant One says, “digging through the crates of life and sharing what we like”. If one person reads something and walks away discovering something new, then Pretty Vacant One is a success.

Writing for Pretty Vacant One has also reignited the creative for my personal writing as well. Two months of not focusing on it, I can feel the muse scratching at the back of my brain wanting out. It’s time she free herself and expresses herself. I welcome her.

So that’s it.
My life.
I’m glad I actively participated in it as the journey has been full of lessons I’ve enjoyed learning from.

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