Exist Loudly

A Smorgasbord

It’s been a while since I’ve poured out my thoughts here so figured no time like the present.

Forgive the typos, the F key on my laptop is broken and sticks and sometimes doesn’t work at all. Perhaps a metaphor for life. Perhaps not.

Who knows to be honest.

This piece will be all over the place…as the title says, a smorgasbord if you will. If I’m going to pour my thoughts out then they’re going to be all my thoughts and in all my typo glory too…which reminds me it’s time to cut my nails as they’re now wrapping around the keys and making it difficult to type.

See…all over the place.

First things first, in 11 days on Feb 28, I will become an Australian citizen. I will stand up, say my pledge, and receive my citizenship certificate. My mom was a green card carrying citizen of the US. I have seemingly traveled in her shoes and path albeit in Australia vs the US. Alone vs her marriage to my dad. It never occurred to me while she was alive that I may follow in her footsteps of chasing citizenship in another country. She went to the US for the love her husband. I came to Australia for the love of the country. My soul is quiet here. My soul is at peace here. There was a period where it wasn’t blue skies and kangaroos but when I was able to change who and what was in my life, the blue skies came back and that was a lesson learned. Surrounding yourself with people who feel like sunshine is key. While I do love a good rainstorm, those who are Debby Downers are no longer welcome in my life. I do not have the tolerance for it nor the patience. My life is different than what I lived in the US. There’s no giant circle of friends to call upon to go out with. No endless stream of concerts and nights out. No drinking seven days a week. The drinking is not missed. I had found a local bar, but I stopped frequenting it and bars all together when I realised drinking was not good for my health. Physically and mentally. The circle of friends can be counted on 2 hands and the going out is catching up when the stars align. I found that I could rest, pause, and take a deep breathe. I don’t think I could have done that in the US. Again, my soul is quiet here and at peace. I will be a proud Australian on Feb 28th. Way prouder of the country that adopted me than where I was born that’s for sure. But that is food for thought for another day.

I’ve been working on Amplify the Noise…formerly Pretty Vacant One…formerly 16 Clefs. It’s always been my baby but sometimes that baby frustrated me to no end I shoved it in a closet. Towards the end of last year, I promised myself to find a focus for it as I found a renewed passion for music and sharing music. As I’ve said before, I wasn’t going to crap on anyone’s work and to be honest there are a lot of things I don’t like but there is always something positive to be found whether it be the vocals, the lyrics, the music, the sheer willpower to put something creative out, and so on. And if I don’t like something, I just want talk about it. It’s simple. I just move on with my life. No need to leave hate. Amplify the Noise has become what I focus on in my off time…and by off time, I mean when I am not at work or at the gym. I live and breathe Amplify the Noise and in doing so, it has also reignited my need to write creatively again. I wrote very little after finishing Ange of Angels. I was burnt out mentally and creatively but those characters and that story isn’t done, they sit in my head waiting for me to sit down with them. I feel their time is to shine is nearing. I look forward to when I win the jackpot lottery and can sit and write all day without a worry about where my rent will come from. Hours and hours of writing and listening to music is bliss to me.

Being creative leads me to thoughts on AI. Recently I heard co-workers talking out how AI is the future of creating and I scoffed silently in my head at that thought. Not because I’m an old fart and think AI is bullshit, but because AI doesn’t create from the soul, the mind, or the heart. An AI will never be able to tell someone how a book moved me tears as I read chapter after chapter of their harrowing time in concentration camps. AI will never be able to tell someone how a song lyric hit me so hard in my soul that I burst into tears as the artist sang about hope. AI will never be able to tell someone how I laughed uncontrollably to the point where I couldn’t breathe over a silly Instagram reel. AI will never be able to correctly capture the creativity, artistry, and beauty of those who create from the soul, the mind, or the heart. It hasn’t lived the good times. It hasn’t survived the bad times. It hasn’t experienced the hatred of man nor has it experienced the kindness of man. Its hasn’t loved, it hasn’t lost, it hasn’t grieved, nor has it celebrated life and everything within it. No matter what prompts or guidance you give AI, it will only give you a perception of what is real because it has not lived, it has not breathed, it has not felt the wonders of this earth. So no, AI isn’t the future of creating. Humans are the future of creating. We will inevitably create something that lays to waste AI because that is what we humans do. Create.

Book: The Happiest Man on Earth by Eddie Jaku
Song: “Hi Ren” by Ren – the lyrics, “some people know me as the voice that you hear when you loosen the noose on the rope”
Instagram: @Tertaay trying on eyelashes

And finally…Twitter. Oh my beloved one. I first joined you all those years ago to find creative inspiration of people’s random thoughts. Then I stayed as a way to stay connected to artists, creators, science, and friends, but since a wealthy white billionaire took over, I knew my time with you would be waning. While you were never perfect and nor were your previous owners, you weren’t quite the hotmess express you’ve become. Honestly, you’ve become sort of a Debbie Downer and I don’t have room for that in my life. You’ve been my longest lasting social media relationship, but my time with you is nearing its end. It’s not me. It’s definitely you. You weren’t what you use to be and I understand things change. I accept change but I will not stand for the bullshit you’ve become. Maybe things will change and you’ll return to form, but if not, know that you were great once and I thank you for the friendships I gained from being with you.