Musically, the songs of October were mostly personal notes to myself. Reminders of what I was feeling and that it’s okay to feel it. Notes that reminded me to smile even though “worry and change spun me around and my big old heart has been ripped right out.” Notes that sang that it’s okay to be “here and heartsteady”, notes that let me know being who I am and the way I am is just fine even if someone might not understand how I work and notes that said it’s okay to be by the side of someone you deeply care for even if they might not feel the same or would do the same. The month ends with Lady Gaga and her song a “Million Pieces” and it’s a perfect ending to October and in reflection sums up a lot of 2016…A million reasons to walk away but just needing one good one to stay. For me, in October, I didn’t battle my demons, I battled on not giving up on dreams. Specifically, my Australia dream. Within 2016 alone, I was given a million reasons to give up on my Australia dream and each time I thought about quitting, the Universe gave me a reason not to quit. October gave me one good reason to stay.
Songs are on the embedded video below or click here to watch on YouTube except The Cadillac Three, you can listen below. Also Lady Gaga has a double feature. Her performance from Howard Stern is amazing and it’s below or you can listen to the album version on the embedded video collection below.
“Forget It” by Breaking Benjamin
The lyrics are what caught me: “Every time I get it, throw it away. It’s a sign, I get it. I wanna stay. By the time I lose it, I’m not afraid. I’m alive but I can surely fake it. How can I believe when this cloud hangs over me? You’re the part of me that I don’t wanna see. Forget it…There’s a place, I see you follow me. Just a taste of all that might come to be. I’m alone but holding breath you can breathe…Just fade away. Please let me stay. Caught in your way. Forget it…It’s a crime you let it happen to me. Out of mind, I love it, easy to please. Niever mind, forget it, just memories. On a page inside a spiral notebook. Just fade away.”
“What’s Happenin’” by Ying Yang Twins featuring Trick Daddy
I completely blame my little sister, Brenda, for this song. She liked Marion Mathew’s post on Facebook (below) and this is one of those songs that just gets stuck in your head like “Ridin’” by Chamillionaire but it also has Trick Daddy and I dig Trick Daddy. (Original song is on the playlist but you’ve got to watch Marion’s video, she kind of just knocks it out of the park!)
“Papilon” by Editors
This might be my favorite Editors song and it just happened to play on the perfect sunny day at that perfect time of day. Or at least perfect in my head and I have always loved these lyrics. “Darling, just don’t put down your guns yet, If there really was a God here, He’d have raised a hand by now. Darling, you’re born, get old, and die here. Well that’s quite enough for me dear, We’ll find our own way home somehow…”
“Home” by Xavier Rudd
This song reminded me that Australia really is my home and where I’m suppose to be. My forever home. I know that sounds nuts, but it is. “Places we roam and people we meet. Some connections are strong and some of them are weak…Strong as the roots of a big old gum tree and we’ll carry them through to the next life we see. Strange. So beautifully strange…Recognize my health. Things that I have been dealt. Places that I have roamed. Feelings I’ve had. Things that I know. Home, my home. Home, I’m home…”
“Heartsteady” by David McMillin
Every day and I am not joking, every day this month, I have found myself singing this song. I am not aware consciously what is triggering me to sing it but obviously subconsciously something is going on. It’s a great song so I don’t really mind and love David’s lyrics: “Here’s a day for letting go. If it’s all right, I’m all ready. I’m right here and I’m heartsteady…it’s only a matter of time…”
“Underworld” by David Bowie
Was able to see Labyrinth on the big screen and it was fantastic. Now that I’m older, not sure why adults let kids watch the movie. The underlying themes are pretty damn dark like when Jareth says to Sarah: “I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, and do as I say and I will be your slave.” Love me and fear me…not a great relationship I say, but anyway, I loved hearing “Underworld” again and these lyrics: “No one can blame you for walking away. Too much rejection. No love injection. Life can be easy. It’s not always swell. Don’t tell me truth hurts, little girl. ‘Cause it hurts like hell…”
“Time to Smile” by Xavier Rudd
Sometimes you just need a reason to smile and these lyrics sum up what I was feeling when I heard it this month: “…worry and change it has spun me around, my big old heart has been ripped right out. Summer is coming, it’s time to smile…”
“This Accent” by The Cadillac Three
This song just reminds me of my Southern roots. Australia may be my forever home, but I will always be a Southern Girl. “this is real hand me down from my pa-paw. It’s that sweet slow rolling southern drawl. It’s my last name, it’s where I come from…you can take a lot of things from a man, leave him beat, broken hearted, and bent but you ain’t never gonna this accent…”
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“Morning Light” by The Dirty Guv’nahs
This song made me think of my Chosen Family back home. I miss all of those peeps more than they could possibly know. “All I get is this one little life you see. What I want is the freedom to just be me. There’s no place in this world I would rather be than here in your arms. All of my good friends, let’s get together. I still believe it. We’re chasing forever. This is the season I need you around…”
“Take Me As I Am” by Drake White
I am who I am. I don’t make apologies for it. I’m a strange mix of a girl because I’m not your stereotypical girl. I don’t think like “normal” girls and I find myself not wanting the same things other “normal” girls want. I sometimes think that makes me hard to be with but as my dad always said to me “be who you is” and I’m being me. It’s all I know how to be: a quirky, strange, creative, independent, and quiet dreamer who lives and loves as loudly as she can. This song reminded me that it’s okay for all of that. “Everybody knows, that this life is a crazy road. Hallelujah, bless your soul, take me as I am and don’t let go…”
“The Sting” by Editors
There is something about this song that always gets to me. I hear in the lyrics an underlying tone of “fuck you” to someone. Maybe it wasn’t written as that, but I get that vibe from the song and I love it and these lyrics: “People don’t change and I know your story so well. I know your fate, it’s my favorite tale to tell. You wanted to make me believe in love. You wanted to make me believe in love. You bring the money and I will be waiting. I’m in the corner with a wasp sting in my throat….”
“I’m On Your Side” by Divynls
I found this song overwhelmingly heartbreaking. When I first heard it, it brought tears to my eyes. “I’m on your side. Are you too blind to see? I’m on your side. You know I’m not the enemy. Don’t push me away. There’s nothing to hide. I won’t betray you baby. I love you babe. I’m on your side…”
“Hypnotized” by Ani DiFranco
What I love most about this song and what always captures my ear is the beginning of it. The bass lines that slide into piano and the daydreaming honesty of the lyrics and I love these lyrics: “And you were no picnic. You were no prize. But you had just enough pathos to keep me hypnotized…And I was no picnic. I was no prize. But I had just enough sweetness to keep you hypnotized. Hypnotized…”
“Not Afraid” by Earshot
Have always dug this band and iTunes on shuffle gifted this forgotten gem and these lyrics kind of describe that inner mental battle I have with myself: “Trick and control you. Deceive and destroy you. Doesn’t it hurt? Forget and move on. I’m here and I’m strong. I’ve got you to blame when it’s finally done. I’m not afraid of these feelings here inside. I’m sure someday I’ll let go of all this hate for you…”
“Two Hearted Spider” by Editors
Apparently October was let’s see how many Editors songs can I squeeze into it…this song…the feels…oh the feelings it stirs within my soul. “…I wanna come over and tear the place apart with you. In the arms of a lover, A two hearted spider, I’m just a mess for you. Oh, my naïveté, Oh, my fickle views, I feel my blood boil, As our shadows fuse. Every move you make, breaks me…Every smile you fake, Breaks me…”
“Million Pieces” by Lady Gaga
This song gives me life! Of all the songs, on her latest album JOANNE, this song had me right in the beginning with the lyrics. It’s like she jumped right into my heart and soul. I know this feeling of the this song. I am living this feeling of this song. I am this song. We all just want that person that makes our heart beat a little faster to say don’t walk away, maybe even fight for you, say I feel the same or give some sort of indication that you matter. Like the song says, one good reason to stay and not walk away. Just one and that’s all it would take. “You’re giving me a million reasons to let you go…If I had a highway, I would run for the hills. If you could find a dry way, I’d forever be still…It’s like that I’ve stopped breathing, but completely aware…And if you say something that you might even mean, it’s hard to even fathom which parts I should believe…I bow down to pray. I try to make the worst seem better. Lord, show me the way, to cut through all his worn out leather. I’ve got a hundred million reasons to walk away, but baby, I just need one good one to stay…tell me you’ll be the good one…”
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[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=videoseries?list=PL801EdtjRumn7MHJAD65OzHnSRBTQvEK2]