In my journal, I made myself answer the question: What is right about me that I’m not getting? One of the answers that stood out the most was this: “I’m a person with depression and anxieties but I don’t let that stop me from living and experiencing life or loving someone.” Life isn’t packaged in a pretty box with a bow. It’s much like a Jackson Pollack painting. Complete and utter nonsense at a glance but if you sit and stare at it long enough, you gain meaning to some stuff and the rest just becomes white unpainted canvas in the background. I’ll never have my shit 110% together. If I wait to live life or experience life or love someone until I do, I will do a life unlived, unexperienced, and unloved. I don’t want that. I think that’s my message for February. There may have been a few mental bumps (bad headspace days), but in the end it is all okay. I’m okay.

Reflecting on the music of February, they have been bits and pieces of my days, thoughts and feelings.

You can experience the songs for yourself on YouTube or Spotify. The video playlist is below if you want to read/listen/watch.

“Puzzlin’ Evidence” by Talking Heads
This Talking Heads song (and album) came to me from Nick. He mentioned he had spent the day listening to the album and I had confessed to him I wasn’t having the best of mental days and he suggested I give it a listen. This song reminds me the church across my grandparents driveway. When the church sang Bible thumping hymns, it was as if the hand of God did exist. That is how I feel listening to that song. It just puts me in a good mood.

“F*** Yeah (Seamus Haji Remix) by Scissor Sisters
I’m not being politically correct or watching my language, that’s how the band spells fuck on the album. If you know me, I swear like a sailor and have no qualms about using swear words. Any who. If you are not dancing when you hear this song, you may have no soul. I also love these lyrics: “This is not a love song, my theme song…Baby say fuck yeah I’m tired of waiting on you…Turn it to feel up my lovin. Think you’d better work it to feel my lovin…”

“To Be Without You” by Ryan Adams
This track is from his new album Prisoner. For the most part, I am fan of all of his work. There are albums that I think sometimes he just throws out there, but this album is definitely not a “throw it out there and get it done” one. I really like the album from start to end and this song has quietly moved into my favorite track off the album so far. I was walking to the library when it was playing and the sadness of the song was just a stark contrast to the bright summer day that it made me cry. I love these lyrics: “…you are so much to be without…It’s so hard to be without you…Stinging from the storm inside my ribs where it thunders…Thunders in my bones out in the streets where I first saw you and everything was new and colorful, it’s gotten darker. Every day’s a lesson, things were brighter before …I feel empty, I feel tired, I feel worn. Nothing really matters anymore…”

“She Speaks the Language” by AFI
So I’m reeling in the tears as Ryan plays and then I’m hit with AFI. Back to back tears. Damn you Universe. This time different reason. Yet maybe the same. Lyrically, the song is pretty dark and that is what made me teary eyed. “When you dared me to feel. When I made that appeal…Pitch black and silken like your smile. He’s silent. Now I know this must be love…Little drops upon my cuffs…Let me know this must be love…”

“Love in the Library” by Jimmy Buffett
I picked up Madame Bovery by Flaubert in the library and this song bounced into my head as they lyrics in the song go, “Then sent me a smile as she reached for Flaubert. Love in the library, quiet and cool. Love in the library, there are no rules. Surrounded by stories surreal and sublime. I fell in love in the library once upon a time..” I read the book. It wasn’t my favorite but this is one of my favorite Buffett songs.

“Discotheque” by U2
I’ve always dug this song. It’s fun U2. 

“Old Love Feels New” by Chris Young
This song came up on shuffle and I just connected to these lyrics: “That’s how I know. ‘Cause you grabbed a hold of me and won’t let go and it feels like you’ve always been in my soul…That’s how you know it’s true. When a new love feels old and an old love feels new…”

“Electric Blue” by Icehouse
This song stalked me every day or felt like it did. I feel like I heard it daily. I didn’t mind though. I’ve always loved this song. I recommend you watch the classic-ness of the video. Holy mullet Batman!

“Fun” by Blondie
New Blondie is fun Blondie. Seriously, this song is fun. Always been a Blondie fan and they’re pretty great live too. Deborah Harry is still the shit and still a fucking icon! I love these lyrics: “You know the problem with you. You’re too good to be true. You’re my heart, can’t get enough. You are the one I decided. You’re my fun when I’m down. You pick me up again…I get the feeling that you’re changing my mind…”

“Help” by Papa Roach
This is a new song by Papa Roach. I might not be a fan of their debut album but I am fan of almost every one after that. This song though…I love the lyrics to this song: “Did someone turn the lights out or is it just another dark cloud in my head…I think I need help, cause I’m drowning in myself. It’s sinking in, I can’t pretend that I’ve been through hell..” As someone who battles her own mind, this song hits me hard because I have felt every lyric in this song.

“Face Down” by Emigrate
This might be one of my favorite Emigrate songs. Just like the above song, this song has always hit me hard too. “Relieve me. The weight is glue. Deceive me. Forget about the truth…Face down. To guilty to be happy. Right inside. To guilty to be happy. I live for thrill and danger. Don’t trust me. I’ve said it all before. Believe me. I want forgiveness. You see me. Stripped and naked…I’m dying to get another breath…”

“And Love Said No” by HIM
Things I learned, still got a big ol’ crush on Ville. After hearing this song, spent a good hour watching every HIM video again. So happy I got to meet and drive this band around when I was in radio…memories. Any who…this gem of a song was on HIM’s greatest hits album and I have always loved it. I love the whole song and all the lyrics but these are the stand out lyrics: “Love’s lies cruel. Introduced me to you and that moment I knew I was out of hope. Kill me, I begged, and love said no. Leave me for dead and let me go. Kill me, I cried, and love said no…” It wasn’t until this month that I finally got the lyrics (this album/song came out in 2004, so 13 years later). I had always listened to the song as love saying no to the person because he wanted love, but it’s not that, he is begging love to kill him because he doesn’t want love or to love because of the fear in being hurt. (Amazing how you hear things differently in headphones)

“Knowing Me Knowing You” by MGT & Ville Valo
Abba cover. Can’t go wrong with Abba and this cover is pretty damn good.

“How Many Fucks” by Erika Jayne
Gifted to me from my BFF, Ronnie, and sliding into last place is this fun song. If you’re expecting a song of substance, you shall not find this from a Real Housewife of Beverly Hills, but if you want something mindless, this is the song. It’s fun and that’s how February has ended. Fun.
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=videoseries?list=PL801EdtjRumlM_0uLtvoO6b4EF2Nt3oM9?ecver=1]